saddo

My life is incredibly convoluted and complex,if I was a writer ,I probably be understanderable...is that a word?.Basically,my life is about me,what i can get out of it ,selfish shitty me, I cant put into words what goes thru my mind when Ive been let down by people,I always think its my fault and really do beat my self up about it,I am a terrible friend cuz I got so few,Do i sound like a whiney,moany,whingin fuckin saddo?yes

and so...

its obvious i love ashley to bits but hes straight! and got a girlfriend and a daughter,how futile am I ?

wtf

I swear there is some one up there taking the piss out of me ,no sooner than i wrote on  here yesterday then ash text me,it was exactly as i said ....... he wanted something.It duz me fokkin ed in

ah well

I was right in a sense,I really should get some freinds other than workies.Fuck them all I say ,the ones I thought were mates turn out not to be,its me who rings them ,its me who texts them ,Ashely has never rang or texted unless he wants something .I feel guilty writing like this about him but what the fuck ,its true,maybe i should just concentrate on my uke but its difficult after travelling 4 hrs a day .

idiot

Well,that didnt last long ,one text off ash and around i go being al nice as pie,there must be a name for someone like me..friendless puppy syndrome..anyone that shows me an inkling of freindship and i get all like clingy.Personally I think im an idiot but how do I break from it ,leave my job and workmates? i dont know

thinking,

im thinking about putting some pics up,i got a canon doodah camera so ill take some arty farty pics

long thoughts

Well,here I am  a week later,I am now working in St Ives,probably a nice place with nice people but Im just working there.Anyways,I
ve spent the last week just thinking about my life ,what I say and do which alters peoples perspective about me and came to a conclusion .When i say a conclusion ,hopefully an ending of sorts,my friend Ashley,really is only a friend through one thing ...work,all the mind games and brain aches I have been going through is all to do with work so i have decided to end any dealings with people from work outside of work.Ashley,i thought was different but i have been kidding myself big time,its a mixture of lust and wanting to be liked which is/has doing me in .My ex foreman ,who i thought was a friend as well,turns out to be not very loyal to anyone but himself .So,I have taken their numbers off my phone so I cannot be tempted to to ring or text any of them.My thoughts are if they want to speak ,they can do the contacting ,not me like some sort of fucking puppy.
On a lighter note ,Ryan .....mmmmmmm,dreams, i know  but youve got to have a dream,cuz if you havent got a dream ,how you gonna have a dream come true,i love that quote.