saddo

My life is incredibly convoluted and complex,if I was a writer ,I probably be understanderable...is that a word?.Basically,my life is about me,what i can get out of it ,selfish shitty me, I cant put into words what goes thru my mind when Ive been let down by people,I always think its my fault and really do beat my self up about it,I am a terrible friend cuz I got so few,Do i sound like a whiney,moany,whingin fuckin saddo?yes

and so...

its obvious i love ashley to bits but hes straight! and got a girlfriend and a daughter,how futile am I ?

wtf

I swear there is some one up there taking the piss out of me ,no sooner than i wrote on  here yesterday then ash text me,it was exactly as i said ....... he wanted something.It duz me fokkin ed in

ah well

I was right in a sense,I really should get some freinds other than workies.Fuck them all I say ,the ones I thought were mates turn out not to be,its me who rings them ,its me who texts them ,Ashely has never rang or texted unless he wants something .I feel guilty writing like this about him but what the fuck ,its true,maybe i should just concentrate on my uke but its difficult after travelling 4 hrs a day .

idiot

Well,that didnt last long ,one text off ash and around i go being al nice as pie,there must be a name for someone like me..friendless puppy syndrome..anyone that shows me an inkling of freindship and i get all like clingy.Personally I think im an idiot but how do I break from it ,leave my job and workmates? i dont know

thinking,

im thinking about putting some pics up,i got a canon doodah camera so ill take some arty farty pics

long thoughts

Well,here I am  a week later,I am now working in St Ives,probably a nice place with nice people but Im just working there.Anyways,I
ve spent the last week just thinking about my life ,what I say and do which alters peoples perspective about me and came to a conclusion .When i say a conclusion ,hopefully an ending of sorts,my friend Ashley,really is only a friend through one thing ...work,all the mind games and brain aches I have been going through is all to do with work so i have decided to end any dealings with people from work outside of work.Ashley,i thought was different but i have been kidding myself big time,its a mixture of lust and wanting to be liked which is/has doing me in .My ex foreman ,who i thought was a friend as well,turns out to be not very loyal to anyone but himself .So,I have taken their numbers off my phone so I cannot be tempted to to ring or text any of them.My thoughts are if they want to speak ,they can do the contacting ,not me like some sort of fucking puppy.
On a lighter note ,Ryan .....mmmmmmm,dreams, i know  but youve got to have a dream,cuz if you havent got a dream ,how you gonna have a dream come true,i love that quote.

boring

 A nice genteel start to the week.Working at Marazion doin some old peoples bungalows,no talent at all!
Spoke to ash yesterday,again he say dont worry bout things let them take their course.
Playing skyrim now ,fucking awesome game ,I can see myself on it for ages to come.Taken Als number off my phone now so i can never ring him the stressy twat.Still,I starting to feel better ,not so paranoidy.Wish I didnt think so much

just another saturday

 Well,I got pissed last night,sat in the kitchen playing my uke and slowly gettin pissed on stella,I not that good on the uke,but considering ive never played an instrument and presumed Im tone deaf ,I aint doin too bad.Trying to learn "the passenger" by iggy pop,its pretty easy.Ash text me yesterday and told me to stop ringing Alan as hes stressed out,hahaha... stressed out ,thats a  laugh.Im gonna try and just accept things as they are now and try not to worry to much about things.
Anyways,J said he pop round tonight,he came last night with Kelvin but only for an hour or so,guess what ?,Im gettin pissed again tonight,thats my weekends for ya,didnt bother leavin the house or fuck all ,played borderlands all day again ,love that game

crap

What a fukkin day,Alan wont answer his phone ,Grahams off working with al and ash ,im left at penzance.nice one

same as..

Still at Newlyn for now although I expect to be moved at any time,My mate J came round last night and we shared a few cans of stella which happens to be my fave tipple.Been to the atm machine and drew my last 70 out,Im shit with money ,i really am no joke.Popped around and saw Ash,he reckons ill be ok to go to Bude to work later in the year,its  a job I been doing every sumer for the last few years,Told ya that I prob write bout work a lot as it takes up so much of my life,at least 12 hours a day,sad I know.Been playin on x box again ,lookin on facebook,i mean nosing on fb.

oh well...

Working at Newlyn today,ok sort of job but felt a bit of a downer because someone told me that my best friend on the firm had blamed me for a job that went down the pan,turned out it wasnt true but it goes to show that I sort of believe in bad things that people say.Anyways ,when I found out it wasnt true I felt guilty for doubting my friend,again ,is this paranoia or am I depressed or some shit.This friend has stuck at being a friend for the the last 11 years or so and because of what someone else said I wavered.Does that make me a shmuck,I think that this job or firm I work for is finaly bringing me down,me ...the one who lets nothing get to ,the one who doesnt seem to care,it made me think what a droney same as everyone else person I am.
Actually,writing these things down gives me some sort of release and it really does make me feel a little better,still got this feeling Im being shit on though.
Xbox wise,i got darknessII to play now,it seems good ,very darknessI,but thats a good thing as I liked the first one.Sometimes ...................

monday

What a crappy day,ended up in marazion for the day and going to Newlyn tomorrow,dont get paid enough to do all this shitty travelling.Keep hoping some nice job gonna come up in the future but I aint gonna hold my breath

drunk

I got rat arsed yesterday evening,well it was saturday.I used to go out a lot to drink, now with the price of pub drinks i stay in.Spent most of the day playing on my xbox 360.My x box is something i cant do with out ,like my i pod,spent the evening with my ukulele which i am trying to learn to play.Ive learnt the basics but thats about it,one day.....ill be good haha.
There was a time when i used to look forward to going to work but now i fuckin dread it,the work is crap,painting council houses at the ass end of cornwall,1and a half hr journey there and the same back,good job its light enough to read my kindle.Not a lot in the way of talent to look at either,got to get up at 5.45 tomorrow,still having a few cans now though.
  As i carry on with this blog,which basically is a load of random observations and such crap,i hope to say more about my self and my feelings.I think i can get quite speculative as in I think bad things are going to happen,but they rarely do ,its just me being paranoid.
I ve made a beef stew to put in the slow cooker tomorrow...see how sensible and organised my life is?

mmmmm....

Seeing that not many or at least very few people wil read this i can be blatent and quite unashamed of what i write,i am gay but only 4 people know for sure at work and only a handful of people know out of work,i have a few sexual encounters with some people at work over time but nothing major or serious and im ok with that as are they.
I probs will be mentioning work quite a lot as it takes up so much of my life,sad i know,Outside of work  I have a few close friends and a few not so close,i live in the st Budeaux area and currently single,i say currently but what that means is "forever".As or if i continue with this blog i will probably be a bit more open and start ranting about things and people who i like or who i think have pissed me off or just generally have a moan-which i am good at!
Last night was a typical Friday night at the end of the week ,i got pissed with my friend who lives across the road with his girlfriend and kids,i expect more of the same tonight.

the start

Hello,this is mainly a sort of online diary,a rant,a confessional,a piss take,a slag off place or whatever comes to mind.
I am called Adrian,sort of middle aged and i have basically wasted my life away by not doing the things i dreamed of when i was younger,i work for a company who,over the the period of time i have worked for them,have slowly degenerated from a nice company to work for to a incompetant pile of shite who do nothing but piss people of ,workers and clients alike.Its a fairly large building /painting company and i am part of the painting side.Basically the management side of it is appalling .